your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
