Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
