Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
