I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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