Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
