I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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