dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize