Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
