Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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