It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
babies were throwing up all over the place
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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