I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
