DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i dont even know how to be here
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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