I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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