it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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