yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
