when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
