Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
