Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
