Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just want to make out with him forever
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
