You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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