My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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