That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
