4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
