I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
