You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Go christen that room with your naked body.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize