I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
