we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We need to get me chipped asap
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
