If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
