my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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