soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize