I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
