I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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