i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
