wrigley field is MILF paradise
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
