While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
