Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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