the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
