Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
