When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
