M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
