He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
