Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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