Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I enjoy the company of your penis
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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