he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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