worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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