just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I am one with the molecules
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
