my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
