Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
