he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
