yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
