Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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