Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
