never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
So squirting runs in the family.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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