ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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