you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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