sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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