dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Can I color on your dick again?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
