After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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