So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
