Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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