My liver just broke up with me...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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