Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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