Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
