I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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