he shaved USA in his pubs
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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