TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
